Tag: ADHD Awareness

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Trinh

How is ADHD treated?

What is the Treatment for ADHD?

While there is no cure for ADHD, currently available treatments may reduce symptoms and improve functioning. Treatments include medication, psychotherapy, education or training, or a combination of treatments.

Medication

For many people, ADHD medications reduce hyperactivity and impulsivity and improve their ability to focus, work, and learn. Sometimes several different medications or dosages must be tried before finding the right one that works for a particular person. Anyone taking medications must be monitored closely by their prescribing doctor.

Stimulants. The most common type of medication used for treating ADHD is called a “stimulant.” Although it may seem unusual to treat ADHD with a medication that is considered a stimulant, it works by increasing the brain chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine, which play essential roles in thinking and attention.

Under medical supervision, stimulant medications are considered safe. However, like all medications, they can have side effects, especially when misused or taken in excess of the prescribed dose, and require an individual’s health care provider to monitor how they may be reacting to the medication.

Non-stimulants. A few other ADHD medications are non-stimulants. These medications take longer to start working than stimulants, but can also improve focus, attention, and impulsivity in a person with ADHD. Doctors may prescribe a non-stimulant: when a person has bothersome side effects from stimulants, when a stimulant was not effective, or in combination with a stimulant to increase effectiveness.

Although not approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) specifically for the treatment of ADHD, some antidepressants are used alone or in combination with a stimulant to treat ADHD. Antidepressants may help all of the symptoms of ADHD and can be prescribed if a patient has bothersome side effects from stimulants. Antidepressants can be helpful in combination with stimulants if a patient also has another condition, such as an anxiety disorder, depression, or another mood disorder. Non-stimulant ADHD medications and antidepressants may also have side effects.

Doctors and patients can work together to find the best medication, dose, or medication combination. To find the latest information about medications, talk to a health care provider and visit the FDA website .

 

Psychotherapy and psychosocial interventions

Several specific psychosocial interventions have been shown to help individuals with ADHD and their families manage symptoms and improve everyday functioning.

For school-age children, frustration, blame, and anger may have built up within a family before a child is diagnosed. Parents and children may need specialized help to overcome negative feelings. Mental health professionals can educate parents about ADHD and how it affects a family. They also will help the child and his or her parents develop new skills, attitudes, and ways of relating to each other.

All types of therapy for children and teens with ADHD require parents to play an active role. Psychotherapy that includes only individual treatment sessions with the child (without parent involvement) is not effective for managing ADHD symptoms and behavior. This type of treatment is more likely to be effective for treating symptoms of anxiety or depression that may occur along with ADHD.

Behavioral therapy is a type of psychotherapy that aims to help a person change their behavior. It might involve practical assistance, such as help organizing tasks or completing schoolwork, or working through emotionally difficult events. Behavioral therapy also teaches a person how to:

  • Monitor their own behavior
  • Give oneself praise or rewards for acting in a desired way, such as controlling anger or thinking before acting

Parents, teachers, and family members also can give feedback on certain behaviors and help establish clear rules, chore lists, and structured routines to help a person control their behavior. Therapists may also teach children social skills, such as how to wait their turn, share toys, ask for help, or respond to teasing. Learning to read facial expressions and the tone of voice in others, and how to respond appropriately can also be part of social skills training.

Cognitive behavioral therapy helps a person learn how to be aware and accepting of one’s own thoughts and feelings to improve focus and concentration. The therapist also encourages the person with ADHD to adjust to the life changes that come with treatment, such as thinking before acting, or resisting the urge to take unnecessary risks.

Family and marital therapy can help family members and spouses find productive ways to handle disruptive behaviors, encourage behavior changes, and improve interactions with the person with ADHD.

Parenting skills training (behavioral parent management training) teaches parents skills for encouraging and rewarding positive behaviors in their children. Parents are taught to use a system of rewards and consequences to change a child’s behavior, to give immediate and positive feedback for behaviors they want to encourage, and to ignore or redirect behaviors they want to discourage.

Specific behavioral classroom management interventions and/or academic accommodations for children and teens have been shown to be effective for managing symptoms and improving functioning at school and with peers. Interventions may include behavior management plans or teaching organizational or study skills. Accommodations may include preferential seating in the classroom, reduced classwork load, or extended time on tests and exams. The school may provide accommodations through what is called a 504 Plan or, for children who qualify for special education services, an Individualized Education Plan (IEP).

Stress management techniques can benefit parents of children with ADHD by increasing their ability to deal with frustration so that they can respond calmly to their child’s behavior.

Support groups can help parents and families connect with others who have similar problems and concerns. Groups often meet regularly to share frustrations and successes, to exchange information about recommended specialists and strategies, and to talk with experts.

Learn more about psychotherapy.

Tips to help kids and adults with ADHD stay organized

For kids:

Parents and teachers can help kids with ADHD stay organized and follow directions with tools such as:

  • Keeping a routine and a schedule. Keep the same routine every day, from wake-up time to bedtime. Include times for homework, outdoor play, and indoor activities. Keep the schedule on the refrigerator or a bulletin board. Write changes on the schedule as far in advance as possible.
  • Organizing everyday items. Have a place for everything, (such as clothing, backpacks, and toys), and keep everything in its place.
  • Using homework and notebook organizers. Use organizers for school material and supplies. Stress to your child the importance of writing down assignments and bringing home necessary books.
  • Being clear and consistent. Children with ADHD need consistent rules they can understand and follow.
  • Giving praise or rewards when rules are followed. Children with ADHD often receive and expect criticism. Look for good behavior and praise it.

 

For adults:

A professional counselor or therapist can help an adult with ADHD learn how to organize their life with tools such as:

  • Keeping routines.
  • Making lists for different tasks and activities.
  • Using a calendar for scheduling events.
  • Using reminder notes.
  • Assigning a special place for keys, bills, and paperwork.
  • Breaking down large tasks into more manageable, smaller steps so that completing each part of the task provides a sense of accomplishment.
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Trinh

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

What is ADHD?

 

 

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. People with ADHD experience an ongoing pattern of the following types of symptoms:

  • Inattention means a person may have difficulty staying on task, sustaining focus, and staying organized, and these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension.
  • Hyperactivity means a person may seem to move about constantly, including in situations when it is not appropriate, or excessively fidgets, taps, or talks. In adults, hyperactivity may mean extreme restlessness or talking too much.
  • Impulsivity means a person may act without thinking or have difficulty with self-control. Impulsivity could also include a desire for immediate rewards or the inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may interrupt others or make important decisions without considering long-term consequences.

What are the signs and symptoms of ADHD?

 

 

Some people with ADHD mainly have symptoms of inattention. Others mostly have symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity. Some people have both types of symptoms.

Many people experience some inattention, unfocused motor activity, and impulsivity, but for people with ADHD, these behaviors:

  • Are more severe
  • Occur more often
  • Interfere with or reduce the quality of how they function socially, at school, or in a job

 

Inattention

People with symptoms of inattention may often:

  • Overlook or miss details and make seemingly careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or during other activities
  • Have difficulty sustaining attention during play or tasks, such as conversations, lectures, or lengthy reading
  • Not seem to listen when spoken to directly
  • Find it hard to follow through on instructions or finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace, or may start tasks but lose focus and get easily sidetracked
  • Have difficulty organizing tasks and activities, doing tasks in sequence, keeping materials and belongings in order, managing time, and meeting deadlines
  • Avoid tasks that require sustained mental effort, such as homework, or for teens and older adults, preparing reports, completing forms, or reviewing lengthy papers
  • Lose things necessary for tasks or activities, such as school supplies, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, and cell phones
  • Be easily distracted by unrelated thoughts or stimuli
  • Be forgetful in daily activities, such as chores, errands, returning calls, and keeping appointments

 

 

Hyperactivity-impulsivity

People with symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity may often:

  • Fidget and squirm while seated
  • Leave their seats in situations when staying seated is expected, such as in the classroom or the office
  • Run, dash around, or climb at inappropriate times or, in teens and adults, often feel restless
  • Be unable to play or engage in hobbies quietly
  • Be constantly in motion or on the go, or act as if driven by a motor
  • Talk excessively
  • Answer questions before they are fully asked, finish other people’s sentences, or speak without waiting for a turn in a conversation
  • Have difficulty waiting one’s turn
  • Interrupt or intrude on others, for example in conversations, games, or activities

Primary care providers sometimes diagnose and treat ADHD. They may also refer individuals to a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, who can do a thorough evaluation and make an ADHD diagnosis.

For a person to receive a diagnosis of ADHD, the symptoms of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity must be chronic or long-lasting, impair the person’s functioning, and cause the person to fall behind typical development for their age. Stress, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, and other physical conditions or illnesses can cause similar symptoms to those of ADHD. Therefore, a thorough evaluation is necessary to determine the cause of the symptoms.

Most children with ADHD receive a diagnosis during the elementary school years. For an adolescent or adult to receive a diagnosis of ADHD, the symptoms need to have been present before age 12.

ADHD symptoms can appear as early as between the ages of 3 and 6 and can continue through adolescence and adulthood. Symptoms of ADHD can be mistaken for emotional or disciplinary problems or missed entirely in children who primarily have symptoms of inattention, leading to a delay in diagnosis. Adults with undiagnosed ADHD may have a history of poor academic performance, problems at work, or difficult or failed relationships.

ADHD symptoms can change over time as a person ages. In young children with ADHD, hyperactivity-impulsivity is the most predominant symptom. As a child reaches elementary school, the symptom of inattention may become more prominent and cause the child to struggle academically. In adolescence, hyperactivity seems to lessen and symptoms may more likely include feelings of restlessness or fidgeting, but inattention and impulsivity may remain. Many adolescents with ADHD also struggle with relationships and antisocial behaviors. Inattention, restlessness, and impulsivity tend to persist into adulthood.

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Psychology Today

22 Types of Childhood Verbal Abuse and Their Damage

Maltreatment during childhood significantly increases someone’s risk of experiencing depression and anxiety in adulthood.

In 2015, a systematic review and meta-analysis of 199 peer-reviewed papers published from 1990–2014 concluded that “a 10–25 percent reduction in [childhood] maltreatment could potentially prevent 31.4–80.3 million depression and anxiety cases worldwide.”

Currently, four subtypes are used to categorize child maltreatment: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect. Verbal abuse is noticeably absent. Of those four, a June 2023 study of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) among U.S. adults found that emotional abuse significantly increased during the last decade (2011–2020) compared to the other three listed forms of child maltreatment.

Because “emotional abuse” is a broad and not-clearly-defined term, there’s a growing movement to add “verbal abuse” as a stand-alone category of child maltreatment, bringing the total number of subtypes to five.

Childhood Verbal Abuse Should Be a Subtype

A new systematic review and meta-analysis published in the October 2023 issue of Child Abuse & Neglect clarifies the definition of childhood verbal abuse (CVA) and gives many reasons why it should be recognized as a standalone subtype of child maltreatment. These reasons include the increased prevalence of emotional abuse and verbal abuse’s long-term mental health consequences.

Defining childhood verbal abuse based on specific verbally abusive acts is a pivotal step in eliminating it.

The recently published (2023) systematic review and meta-analysis of Childhood Verbal Abuse as a Child Maltreatment Subtype looked at 149 quantitative and 17 qualitative studies. Within these 166 studies, almost two dozen types of childhood verbal abuse were identified or referenced. First author Shanta Dube and coauthors write, “Across studies reviewed, the most common perpetrators of childhood verbal abuse were parents, mothers, and teachers. Definitional themes for CVA included negative speech volume, tone, speech content, and their immediate impact.”

Raising one’s voice at a child or using a harsh tone were among the most common behaviors associated with CVA. Other common types of childhood verbal abuse include belittling, shaming, making negative comparisons, name-calling, and scapegoating.

Here is an alphabetized list of 22 ways that childhood verbal childhood abuse is characterized in the literature on this topic. This list doesn’t completely represent all the nuanced ways CVA can manifest, but it’s a starting point toward a unified definition of childhood verbal abuse.

22 Types of Childhood Verbal Abuse (in alphabetical order)

Any derogatory language
Belittling
Blaming
Criticizing
Demeaning
Disrespecting
Humiliating
Insulting
Intimidating
Making negative comparisons
Making negative predictions
Name-calling
Putting-down
Ridiculing
Scapegoating
Scolding
Shaming
Shouting
Swearing
Teasing
Threatening
Yelling
Verbally abusive acts can include—but are not limited to—one or more of the 22 items listed.

In addition to spoken acts of verbal abuse during adult-child communication, being non-communicative and giving someone the “silent treatment” could also be considered a (non-verbal) form of verbal abuse because it weaponizes language by withholding it. As Dube et al. explain, “Just as children require nurturing, safe, and supportive physical environments from adult caregivers, they also require communication from adults that does not denigrate but promotes healthy self-concept and development.”

Conclusion

Evidence suggests that childhood verbal abuse can damage healthy child development as other forms of child maltreatment, such as physical or sexual abuse. Identifying at least 22 specific ways childhood verbal abuse has been described in over 165 published papers is a valuable step toward tagging verbally abusive acts and officially making CVA a stand-alone category of child maltreatment. As Dube et al. conclude, “Recognizing childhood verbal abuse as a form of maltreatment will be a starting point for its identification and prevention. Primary prevention of CVA using trauma-informed approaches must include adult training on the importance of safety, support, and nurturance during verbal communication with children.”

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Psychology Today

One Key Sign That You’re Being Taken for Granted

You probably don’t enter any relationship, personal or professional, thinking, “Gee, I really hope that someday I get taken for granted.” Nonetheless, you may very well find yourself in a situation where the other person is indeed undervaluing and underappreciating you.

It makes sense to want to identify such situations as quickly as possible. But that can be easier said than done.

Your significant other, friend, boss, teacher, coworker, or whoever may rain you with sweet nothings, claiming that you are indeed appreciated. The world is full of sweet talkers who can make it seem like you matter to them but really don’t.

This can get a bit confusing, especially if you are used to giving well over 50 percent in relationships, being accommodating, wondering whether your expectations are too high for people, or making excuses for other people. So how do you tell, in the words of Marvin Gaye, what’s going on?

Well, one good way is to see what happens when you do raise any significant concerns to that person, especially if any concern relates to that person or your relationship with each other. How seriously does that person take the concern? How quickly do they address it in a find-a-solution way?

The response itself can tell you a lot. For example, when I once told someone, “I don’t feel like you’re really hearing what I have to say,” that person responded, “I hear you” and then abruptly left the conversation without giving me an opportunity to say anything more.

The very definition of taking someone for granted is assuming that the person will always stick around, regardless of whether you put enough effort into maintaining the relationship. Few people would leave their cars unattended for months or ignore all warning lights that may appear on the dashboard. Why then should anyone assume the equivalent for their human relationships and somehow expect such relationships to keep going and going with both sides providing adequate fuel?

If someone is taking you for granted, the big question is whether you are actually allowing that person to do so. Are you expecting enough out of what should be a bilateral relationship? Are you letting your concerns slide rather than raising them to the other as soon as they emerge? Instead, it’s a good idea to do what can be called “raising the Titanic,” that is, raising concerns that over time may contribute to the sinking of the relationship.

Raising concerns can help determine whether the other person is temporarily, unconsciously taking you for granted versus in general keeping you low on their priority list. Even the best of relationships can suffer through periods when one person is distracted or occupied and momentarily takes the other for granted. That can be understandable.

Raising concerns with the other person can be like saying, “Hey, I’m here” and snap the other person back into realizing how important it is to put in effort to maintain the relationship. A legitimate oversight usually prompts them to repair matters by addressing your concerns. Even if they can’t immediately resolve your concerns, they can at least demonstrate real effort.

However, it’s a different story when that person simply ignores or dismisses your concerns. Or tries to explain them away without substantively addressing them. Or maybe even gets annoyed with you for bothering them with your concerns. You really can’t force someone to make you more of a priority. That person has to choose to do so.

What you can do is see where you stand on their priority list and decide whether you are fine with being in that position. If the answer is “no,” then it may be time to move on and seek a more balanced relationship.

Keep in mind that being underappreciated and undervalued in one relationship can be a big drain on your other relationships. After all, one minute spent on a person who is taking you for granted and doesn’t deserve your time is one less minute for someone who does deserve your time. Don’t take for granted what being taken for granted by someone can do to other people in your life.

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Psychology Today

What Every Couple Needs to Understand About Passionate Sex

It’s early morning and you are about to pour your first cup of coffee. You gaze out of the kitchen window and your eyes settle on something large and dark, ambling across the grass. You squint: Are you really seeing what you think you are seeing? You blink. Your pulse starts to race and you feel a rising panic in your body. You scream – you can’t help it – and your hands shake so violently that you can hardly hold your cell phone while you simultaneously check the lock on the back door. The 911 operator does not believe you when you shriek “There’s a gorilla in my back yard!”

It’s hard to believe that you share about 98% of your DNA with a creature causing you this much panic. Most of us don’t like to think of ourselves as animals, let alone primates. We prefer to understand ourselves as higher beings — human beings, to be exact, not at all similar to the apes roaming the wild terrain. But reality tells a different story, whether we chose to acknowledge it or not. As a sex therapist, I have come to understand that this reality has much to do with what turns you on, and whether or not you enjoy your sex life.

In fact, if you are like many (most?) people, the hottest sex you have is the sex most connected to your animal self. Think of it this way: Rationality, cognitive critique, and analysis aren’t what you’ve associated with hot sex. In general, the more analysis and cognition you bring to the bedroom, the more boring your sex. That’s because hot, lusty sex emanates from the more primal, ancient parts of our brain – aspects we share with primates and other mammals. Those primal sexual urges have been honed over hundreds of thousands of years–before humans developed language, modern culture, or politically correct ideals. And while we can willingly and eagerly adapt our thinking to our evolving culture, our ancient brain biology isn’t so malleable. Bodies still favor more basic sexual triggers that have worked for millennia. (To learn more, see Men and Women Talk Differently About Sex in my Therapy Room.) As a result, most people find that raw, primal sexual expression feels the most sexually intense – stuff like cheating, porn, and dominance play. This fact keeps me in business, because it generates tremendous moral distress and conflict in people.

Here’s what I see happening: When an issue creates emotional conflict, people often deny it in an attempt to diffuse it. But therapists know that denial actually has the opposite effect. Rather than weakening the sensation, it amplifies it. You’ve seen this in your own life: You deny your hunger, and then you end up binging. You deny minor marital problems, and you end up divorcing. Ignore your anxiety for long enough and you develop panic attacks. Ignore your need for sleep and you fall asleep at the wheel. Our sexual inclinations follow these same laws of nature: Deny your primal sexual urges long enough and easy outlets for primal drives like porn or cheating become irresistible.

But that’s just today’s challenge. Tomorrow’s challenges are likely to be even more compelling. That’s because sex tech specializes in meeting our primal sexual urges more efficiently and effectively than most human partners are willing or able to allow. And like all tech, sex tech is advancing faster than most of us can comprehend. In a few decades, sex robots will be poised to receive primal sexual energy, no problem. And this breaks my heart, because as scary and uncomfortable as our more primitive sexual urges can be, people long for them in the privacy of their bedrooms. I know this because I hear about it every day in my practice. The lack of raw sexual energy between committed partners results in boring sex, low libido, infidelity, and people preferring porn to sex with their partner. (And by the way, my posts about how to generate more primal sexuality with your partner have been my most popular here: See How Couples Can Access Their Most Primal Sexual Selves and How Couples Can Reconnect To Their Primal Passion.) Primal sexual energy is truly the secret sauce in a satisfying sex life.

But loving couples have a challenging time making space for a more primal sexual energy in their bedrooms, for many reasons. It can feel vulnerable to demonstrate passion more openly. It’s harder to generate more primal desire with a partner you know well. It can be embarrassing to acknowledge what turns you on. Plus much of what generates more primal passion is politically incorrect.

The problem we face now is that as we attempt to force sex into a politically correct framework, we are making this primal energy more shameful. Urges we perceive as shameful will more likely find expression outside of long-term committed relationships. They will be channeled to porn, unfamiliar partners, and in a few decades, sex robots. Sex robots will be intoxicating partners because they will be outlets for our most potent, primal sex drives.

But we don’t have to watch this train wreck from the sidelines. We have time now to begin a realistic dialogue about our primal sexual inclinations, and how to manage them productively rather than deny them and ultimately engage them destructively. I am pro-sex tech. But more specifically, I am pro-using sex tech to enhance rather than detract from human intimacy. To do this successfully, we first must embrace a more realistic understanding of human sexuality.

Our current admirable efforts to evolve our sexual selves must include the fact that we are still animals with animalistic sexual inclinations. Denying this won’t serve humanity, and it won’t serve you, if you are hoping for an exciting sex life with a committed partner over time.

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Psychology Today

How Our Parents’ Relationships Can Shape Our Own

As children, we believe that everything that goes on at our house goes on elsewhere. It’s only when we begin to explore the larger world outside of the apartment or house our family inhabits that we begin to challenge that belief. This is especially true if the family we’ve grown up in is genuinely dysfunctional.

While adult children of divorced parents are likely to focus on how the split affected them, those whose parents stayed together may not. Even though we begin the process of healing from childhood by recognizing the behaviors exhibited by our parents that shaped us negatively, we often neglect to look at how we were affected by the bond between them. In fact, our parents’ marriage is as big an influence on us—if an unseen one—as their individual behaviors.

Your parents’ marriage: Variations on a theme
Growing up, my parents’ marriage was a mystery to me. While it was eminently clear to me, even as a very small child, that my father adored my mother, the way she alternated between showering him with affection and berating him for failing to provide her with the luxuries she craved bewildered me. My father’s death when I was 15 cut the story short but even though there’s no question that I never saw my parents work through a problem constructively, my father’s loyalty to my mother—and his having her back—absolutely trumped his love for me.

Some children grow up feeling ignored and unloved by both parents, not because their parents’ relationship is fractious but because it’s essentially a closed society. In these cases, the two parents are two planets circling each other, complete as a dyad, and while they may have children or a child, they basically don’t have any emotional need for them; for example, the children of former President Ronald Reagan and his wife Nancy basically described their roles as being onlookers or an audience for a play that only had room for two actors.

Research shows that children raised in the context of extremely fractious and volatile marriages—full of sound and fury—have heightened difficulties managing emotions, and additionally, studies reveal that emotional distress caused by parental conflict impairs higher-order cognitive processing. One study by Alice Schermerhorn showed that children from these kinds of families had trouble recognizing neutral interactions when shown photographs of two people talking, although they were adept at recognizing happy or angry interactions.

One possible explanation offered for why they had trouble recognizing neutrality is that a child uses her interpretation of her parents’ conflicts as a kind of radar to protect herself. If daughters grow up being especially vigilant for signs of trouble, they may misread neutrality as anger; to be sure, that’s a problem for anxious-preoccupied adults. Of course, children interpret arguments as threatening to the stability of the family, and children who grow up around threats—of one parent leaving or talk of divorce—are more likely to be fearful and anxious than those who don’t. As one reader put it, “I spent my childhood panicked that my father would make good on his promise to leave us. Mind you, he always put it in the same way—that he was leaving us. When he did leave when I was 13 and my sister was 10, we were both convinced he’d left because we were both too bad to deal with. My mother, to her lasting shame, did nothing to correct that impression, nor did my father.”

Yet a marriage that is distinguished by quiet hostility—no screaming or yelling but nonetheless a total lack of communication and respect between the parents—inflicts another kind of damage. In these households, problems and difficulties are swept under the rug and discussion of what anyone is feeling is pretty much off the table. The parents’ relationship is often the basis for the emotional life of the family, and looking at that emotional life is highly illuminating. I find the work of John Gottman, renowned as a marital therapist, and colleagues extremely compelling and useful as we consider not just the behaviors our mothers and fathers modeled but also the emotional tenor of the household as it’s reflected in the marriage.

What Gottman and his colleagues proposed was that, while some parents become emotion coaches, other parents dismiss emotions. Emotion coaches were parents with self-awareness who paid attention to the role of emotions in their lives, especially negative emotions, who could talk about their emotions in a differentiated manner, who were aware of their children’s emotions, and who assisted their children in managing emotions such as anger and sadness. This is a parenting philosophy, in the researchers’ point of view; in today’s terms, we might simply say that these parents are high in emotional intelligence and understand that emotional intelligence is a learned skill set that can be supported and enhanced. The researchers identified the emotion-coaching philosophy as having five components:

parents’ awareness of low-intensity emotions in themselves and their children;
seeing the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for teaching or intimacy;
validating their child’s emotions;
assisting their child in verbally labeling their emotions; and
problem-solving with the child, setting behavioral limits, and strategizing ways to deal with the situation that led to the negative emotion.
Interestingly, the researchers did not connect emotion coaching to parental warmth and noted that concerned and positive parents can be oblivious to the world of emotions.

But what they surmised about parents who embraced a dismissive meta-emotion philosophy is key to the discussion of how your parents’ marriage affected you, especially in a household characterized by dead silence when it came to feelings. These parents felt that the child’s anger or sadness was harmful to the child, that their job was to change these emotions, that the child needed to realize these feelings were unimportant and temporary, and that the child could and should ride out these feelings. (In my writing, this is what I call “marginalizing” a child’s experiences and the emotions evoked by them.)

Other observations about what the researchers called this emotion-dismissing philosophy will ring bells for many who grew up in these households. They noted that sadness was often perceived as a burden on the parents, a problem they had to fix, and that by dismissing sadness as unimportant, the child would become happy. Additionally, some put time limits on how long sadness could be displayed and became impatient or irritated when the child didn’t change her emotional demeanor.

What these parents didn’t do is explain or describe their child’s emotional experience, help the child with either her emotions or how to solve or address the problem that evoked these emotions, or see the emotion as beneficial in any way or providing any opportunity, either for intimate connection or teaching. Further, the researchers noted that many dismissing families actually punished their children or put them in a timeout for expressing anger.

Understanding the model you grew up with
As you consider how your father and mother thought about emotions and modeled managing them, you should also think about how their attitude affected you. Did they seem to share a philosophy about emotions or did they both act in consistent ways? Did one or both of them use shaming or a threat of punishment to encourage you to contain or hide your feelings? Many unloved daughters learn to hide their emotions because they are mocked or derided for showing them; others, like myself, learn that there’s no use in talking about what they feel because no one will listen anyway. All of these parental behaviors contribute mightily to the deficits the unloved daughter has in managing emotions as an adult.

This post is adapted from my book, The Daughter Detox Question & Answer Book: A GPS for Navigating Your Way Out of a Toxic Childhood.