Category: Psychology Today

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Psychology Today

Learning to Live with Anxiety

When people first come to therapy, their goals are often to stop feeling anxious or to completely get rid of their anxiety. What they often don’t understand, however, is that some amount of anxiety is perfectly normal.

Anxiety serves a very important function: It lets us know when something is wrong, whether an actual threat or a misperception about the world. So a key step in therapy is exploring why a person wants to feel no anxiety, then helping them learn to cope with anxiety that is a typical part of life.

There are several reasons why trying to eliminate anxiety is unhelpful. First, it is counterproductive. Anxiety is a typical part of life, and if the goal is to feel no anxiety, a person cannot actually live life. Instead, they’ll spend pointless time and energy trying to avoid a perfectly understandable feeling.

Second, anxiety actually gives people information about a situation, how they are responding, or both. In some cases, the situation might be genuinely threatening—such as confronting a snake—and anxiety alerts the person to the level of the threat. In other cases, a person might overestimate the danger in a situation, such as when giving a presentation at work, and high levels of anxiety might be a sign the person needs to work on their beliefs about their own abilities. Either way, it is the interference from anxiety, not the anxiety itself, that is often the problem.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, one approach is to explore a person’s thoughts and beliefs about anxiety. Often these beliefs explain why a person wants to feel no anxiety.

Examples of these beliefs include “any amount of anxiety is harmful,” “anxiety means I’m losing my mind,” or “anxiety is a sign that I’m weak.” These beliefs can stem from seeing others denigrate those with anxiety or telling the person with anxiety to “get over it.” The cognitive behavioral therapy technique of challenging these automatic negative thoughts about anxiety can help a person see their anxiety as normal and understandable, not as a personal failing.

Sometimes providing education about anxiety can help people challenge the belief that it is normal to feel no anxiety. Information on how many people get panic attacks (one-third of adults) or feel anxiety can help someone see their experience is actually quite typical.

Another way cognitive behavioral therapy addresses anxiety and the desire to feel no anxiety is exposure therapy. In exposure therapy, a person slowly confronts their fears rather than avoiding them. This helps the person learn that they can tolerate anxiety and even cope well with it. Oftentimes, the person learns they are stronger than they previously believed as they confront each of their fears. The person eventually gains enough experience coping with anxiety that small, everyday levels of anxiety no longer cause them distress.

Here I’ve described some of the ways that cognitive behavioral therapy addresses the desire to feel no anxiety. Other forms of therapy can also address this desire through acceptance of how one feels, such as acceptance and commitment therapy. Dialectical behavior therapy uses a technique of radical acceptance. Regardless of the therapeutic approach, learning to make peace with anxiety is often an important part of therapy.

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Psychology Today

10 Signs of Autism in Women

Women with autism tend to present differently than men, a fact which has often led to misdiagnosis and under-diagnosis. As a result, women who have autism and don’t receive a diagnosis tend to judge themselves harshly for finding life difficult; what’s more, mental health issues are common in women with autism.

In contrast, women who do receive a diagnosis often find that it has a positive impact on their confidence and self-esteem1; they may even become advocates or mentors for other women with autism. Receiving a diagnosis can also help ensure that they receive the right kind of support and access any resources available.

Any woman who has reached the point of wondering whether or not she has autism may find it hard to find definitive information, given the fact that autism has predominantly been viewed as a male condition. If she’s experiencing many of these symptoms, however, it might point towards a diagnosis of autism. In my book, I explore the difficulties in securing a diagnosis and coming to terms with having autism.

1. Social difficulties. One of the main reasons women begin to wonder whether they have autism is a lifetime of social difficulties. Autism spectrum disorder is a developmental disorder, which means that people are born with autism (although it may not be obvious until later in life).

Women with autism often find it difficult to read and respond to social cues. Many women navigate this difficulty by creating a social “checklist” and learning how to respond to people in socially appropriate ways. They often feel socially anxious, ruminate on their social interactions, and may end up feeling left out and lonely—despite their best efforts to be sociable. While autistic women may interact well in one-to-one situations, they often find it very hard to be in groups and may feel exhausted after too much social interaction.

2. Sensory sensitivity. People with autism experience the world in a different way than neurotypical people, and many women with autism experience intense sensory sensitivity. They may have a heightened sense of awareness when it comes to smells, light, sounds, and touch.

For someone with autism, it’s not just a matter of “not liking” certain things; it’s a sense of being unable to tolerate them. My clients have described being unable to sleep if people are breathing in the same room, having to leave a rail carriage because someone is eating, being unable to cross roads or drive due to sensory overload, and being unable to go to shopping malls because of the lights, sounds, and crowds.

3. Executive function. Many women with autism experience problems with executive function,2 a set of skills that involves working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. People with executive function problems might find it hard to organise themselves, finish tasks, and maintain emotional control. Whether in the workplace or at home, it can be hard for women to complete tasks such as completing tasks at work which are deemed less interesting, keeping a clean house, maintaining healthy habits, or carrying out daily tasks such as showering and eating breakfast.

4. Obsessive interests. Both men and women with autism tend to have specialised, intense interests. People with autism display “what if-then” thinking and often want to get to the bottom of how something works. They may want to know every single fact about their interest.

While boys’ and men’s interests often focus on specific objects or things, women often display an intense interest in a wider range of subjects—including how the mind works or people (particularly romantic partners, “crushes,” or celebrities). Many women with autism are skilled researchers, and may gravitate toward careers or hobbies which require a high level of intense focus.

5. Camouflaging. Autistic women tend to have a greater desire to be sociable than autistic men and spend a considerable amount of time and energy in masking, or camouflaging, their differences in order to pass as “normal.” Although neurotypicals of both genders and autistic men also camouflage, women with autism tend to do so to a far higher degree.

6. Sleep issues. Many women with autism experience difficulty sleeping. Often, this is caused by sensory issues, including a high sensitivity to noise at night and problems feeling comfortable. The presence of another person can exacerbate sleep issues.

7. Difficulties with eye contact. Making eye contact can be extremely challenging for people with autism. Women, in particular, often become skilled at forcing themselves to make eye contact; if they do this enough, it may start to feel more natural to them. Thus, a woman with autism may be OK at making eye contact because she’s learned to so—but if it feels unnatural or hard, it could potentially be a sign of autism.

8. Emotional regulation issues and meltdowns. Women with autism often have problems with emotional regulation. Research has shown that there is a poor connection between the frontal cortex and the amygdala in people with autism.4 Put simply, the amygdala can be thought of as an “emotion centre” in our brain, as it’s part of our limbic system and our mammalian brain. The frontal cortex can be thought of as our “thinking brain,” the more rational part of our brain which makes judgments.

Because of the poor connection between the two areas, women with autism may find it hard to rationalise situations and stay in control. Many describe having meltdowns: extreme emotional reactions to situations that might result in losing their temper, crying, or going into shutdown mode.

9. Stimming. Stimming (short for self-stimulating behaviour) refers to repetitive behaviours. The most obvious behaviours we associate with autism are rocking, hand flapping, repetition of words or phrases, and rocking or spinning. However, women with autism may display other stimming behaviours such as skin picking, feet rubbing, pacing, or hair twirling. People with autism tend to stim more than other people and may not be aware of their behaviours. It is thought that stimming is a self-regulation tool.

10. Anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression are not universal symptoms of autism. But because life is difficult for many women with autism, it is common for them to experience mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or problems with addiction. There is also a far higher than average rate of suicidality in women with autism, which appears to be related to the degree of camouflaging they engage in.5 Though their autism goes undiagnosed, it is more likely that they will receive a formal diagnosis for anxiety, depression or another mental health issue.

Anyone who identified with the above symptoms should seek out professional help. Autism displays similar symptoms to other conditions and a formal diagnosis can help establish whether or not autism may be at play.

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Psychology Today

7 Ways to Limit Irritability

Do you feel annoyed by other people’s behavior, even if they aren’t doing anything inappropriate? Do you get a little short-tempered with your loved ones?

It’s normal to feel irritable sometimes.

But if you feel irritable often or your irritability causes problems, it’s important to take a closer look at what’s going on. There are always steps you can take to grow mentally stronger, so you can be more tolerant of other people and feel better about yourself.

Sometimes irritability is a symptom of a mental health problem—like depression or anxiety. At other times, irritability stems from too many demands or too much stress.

Fortunately, there are steps you can take to address your irritability so you can feel better. Here are seven strategies that can help:

1. Pay attention to your warning signs. It might feel like you go from calm to irritable in a split second, but in reality, there are likely warning signs along the way that signal you’re growing irritable.

Your heart rate might increase, you might sigh a few times, or you might get a little mean with people. When you learn to recognize that you’re growing irritable, you can take steps to address the situation before you become so irritable you can’t think clearly.

Removing yourself from a stressful situation, getting a little physical activity, or finding something to laugh about for a minute might be all it takes to reset yourself.

2. Take a few deep breaths. Your body responds to stress by releasing a stress hormone called cortisol. This triggers a physiological response, like a rise in blood pressure. That response can worsen your irritability.

Taking a few slow, deep breaths can stop that response and calm your body. That in turn will send signals to your brain that you’re safe and it’s OK to feel calm.

When you feel irritable, inhale slowly through your nose to the count of three. Hold it for three seconds, and then slowly exhale through pursed lips for a count of three. Try this three times and you might find you feel a little calmer and less irritable right away.

3. Remove the source of stress. Ask yourself where your irritability is coming from. You might find there’s a known source—like someone interrupting you repeatedly when you’re trying to concentrate. If you can identify the source, you might fix the problem.

Take action that will get your needs met. Set boundaries, take a break, or speak up politely.

If you aren’t sure why you’re irritable or you can’t change your situation, address your emotional state. If you can’t fix the problem, you can choose to fix how you feel about the problem.

4. Reframe thoughts that fuel irritability. Thinking things like, “I can’t stand this for one more second” or “She just needs to stop talking” will fuel your irritability.

When you notice you’re thinking about how much you dislike something (or someone) or you’re focusing on the unfairness of a situation, reframe your thoughts. Identify the facts—and leave out the judgments.

For example, when you’re thinking, “I can’t stand being stuck in traffic” remind yourself that there are millions of cars on the road and traffic jams are bound to happen. Then, remind yourself that you’ll be OK.

5. Remind yourself what you can control. Your irritability will increase when you feel trapped. Thinking you’re stuck in a terrible meeting or that people are demanding too much from you will fuel your irritability.

Remind yourself that there’s always something you can control—even if it’s just your attitude or your breathing.

Think about the fact that you do have choices. Walking out of a meeting is a choice. It may not be a good choice but it’s an option. Simply reminding yourself that you aren’t being forced to do things can reduce some irritability.

6. Engage in physical activity. As stress hormones flood your body, it can be helpful to use physical activity as an outlet. Going for a walk during your lunch break can help you channel your energy into something positive.

Running, doing pushups, and lifting weights are other strategies that can help you manage your frustration with the world in a healthy way.

Incorporate regular physical activity into your daily schedule and use it as an as-needed outlet any time you want to regulate your emotions.

7. Create lifestyle changes. Your irritability might be a sign that you could benefit from creating changes in your life. No matter how much you try to manage your irritability, your efforts aren’t going to work if you’ve got a never-ending to-do list, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you work 24/7.

If you’re chronically irritable, take a step back and consider what lifestyle changes you might make to improve your well-being. Eating a healthier diet, exercising, getting quality sleep, and taking better care of yourself might help you feel less irritable.

Get Professional Help

Irritability is a common symptom of mental health issues, like anxiety and depression. It may be important to get professional treatment. Medication, therapy, or a combination of the two may resolve your irritability and help you feel your best.

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Psychology Today

6 Behaviors Unloved Daughters Need to Shed

I was thinking about the fact that so much self-help is directed at having us recognize the behaviors we shouldn’t find acceptable in other people, no matter what their specific connection is to us.

But what about turning a mirror to ourselves and making note of those behaviors that hobble us in one way or another? When we can really see the unhealthy patterns we ourselves may indulge in, changing how we act, react, and think becomes that much easier.

I wish that someone had told my younger self, for example, that some relationships are not worth holding on to and that if you find yourself constantly making excuses for someone’s treatment, the chances are excellent that you should be heading toward the exit with alacrity. I thought that “working it out” had a value of its own and that bailing on relationships that seemed to have some promise didn’t reflect well on me. I suspect I was reading too much Dear Abby.

Let’s also keep in mind that we need to pay attention to whether the behavior is typical or a one-off; this applies both to others and ourselves. When someone we care about makes a single, notable mistake that seems out-of-character, there’s nothing wrong with excusing them with consciousness and awareness.

The following behaviors limit us when they are what we do unconsciously and by default.

6 Behaviors You Need to Be Conscious of and Deal With

1. Always Placating and Stifling Yourself. Again, there’s nothing wrong with being the peacemaker, now and again, especially if you think the argument is escalating and that there’s nothing to be gained by continuing in the moment. But, if you always resort to placating when there’s any kind of disagreement because confrontation and arguments scare you, that’s another matter entirely and you need to work at being proactive about your own needs because, if you aren’t, who will be?

If you are in a relationship with someone who shuts you down by mocking or marginalizing you, ignoring you, or stonewalling you, you need to understand that this isn’t a defensive posture on his or her part; he or she is verbally abusing you. That’s not okay.

2. Rationalizing or Excusing Other People’s Repetitive Bad Behavior. If this is you, then you have to ask yourself what is keeping you in this holding pattern. Is it fear of loss or something else? Why are you unwilling to recognize and confront someone’s mistreatment of you? These are key questions to ask, and if you can’t answer them, seeking the help of a gifted therapist will be a game-changer.

3. Excusing or Rationalizing Your Own Bad Behavior. Again, there is a real difference between crossing the line into verbal abuse when you’re angry or frustrated (and, hopefully, sincerely apologizing for having lost it), and feeling that you are entitled to say whatever you feel like, whenever you like. This is especially important if you are a parent and you are telling yourself that “I wouldn’t have yelled if he/she had listened in the first place,” or other excuses that wrongly minimize verbal abuse and its effect on children.

The only way we can hold others accountable for their behaviors is by being accountable for our own.

4. Deciding Not to Try Something Because You’re Afraid of Failing. We’re not talking about skipping out on something you don’t have the skill set for but about challenges and goals that might make your life better if the fear of failure had not stopped you dead in your tracks. In their research, psychologists Andrew J. Elliott and Todd Thrash explained that some people are “approach-oriented” while others are “avoidance-oriented.” Mind you, like amoebae, humans approach good things (food) and avoid danger and pain (fire). But to the approach-oriented, climbing a mountain looks like a challenge whereas to the avoidance-oriented, what’s top of mind is avoiding failure.

If you were raised by folks who demanded success and mocked failure, the chances are good you avoid challenges at all costs. If your family of origin saw the occasional bellyflop as part of striving, you are probably looking at that mountain and devising a plan.

No one likes failing. But understanding how fear of failure motivates your choices and actions can be a game-changer.

5. Not Being Able to Think about a Misstep Without Devolving into Self-Criticism. There’s a huge difference between being able to revisit a mistake you’ve made calmly and being able to Monday-morning quarterback what you might have done differently or better and melting into a cascade of self-blame and beating yourself up.

You are providing the superglue that will keep you stuck if you don’t counter the habit of self-criticism. That is an important recognition.

6. Looking Over Your Shoulder to See What Others Are Doing. This is a lesson my own unloving mother inadvertently taught me since she was always obsessed with what other people had and achieved, and how their actions reflected on her. She was eternally jealous and dissatisfied.

This isn’t to say that we can’t learn and grow from seeing how other people achieve or handle situations; we can. But the person you need to be focused on is you, not some imaginary competitor. Life isn’t a race, no matter what they told you in gym class.

The observations in this post are drawn from my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life.

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8 Simple Ways to Increase Self-Compassion

Life can be hard. And when it is, we all deserve comfort, forgiveness, and encouragement. Sometimes, compassion from others helps us cope. Self-compassion, the ability to treat yourself with care, is also important.

Self-compassion is a powerful tool that builds resilience and coping abilities. It improves physical and mental health and motivates us to make positive changes and achieve our goals (Neff, 2023).

Despite its many benefits, being kind to ourselves can feel awkward and scary, especially if we’re not used to doing it. However, it doesn’t have to be difficult. Often, getting started is the hardest part. Following are

Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

1. Acknowledge that you’re struggling. Acknowledge that you’re having a hard time, even if it’s a minor setback, mistake, or frustration. Acknowledging it without judgment cues you to offer yourself compassion. Start by saying, “This is really hard. It would be hard for anyone.”

2. Accept that you’re imperfect and that’s normal. Try not to beat yourself up when you make a mistake or notice your shortcomings. Instead, say or do something kind for yourself—just as you would for a friend who’d made a mistake. Contrary to popular belief, being hard on yourself won’t motivate you to change or do better; people learn and grow when they’re accepted, encouraged, and nurtured.

3. Give yourself compliments. In addition to lifting us up when we’re down, friends celebrate our accomplishments and point out our strengths. Be a good friend to yourself by giving yourself compliments. Here are some examples:

I’m proud of myself for getting to work on time.
I made it through that meeting without losing my temper. Great job!
I put a lot of effort into this.
I’m good at _________.
You do a lot of things right. Make sure you’re noticing and giving yourself credit!

4. Accept compliments from others. Many people dismiss compliments from others because they feel uncomfortable being the center of attention or they don’t believe the compliment is warranted. If you feel uncomfortable, remember that people generally give compliments because they care about and respect you. Let yourself benefit from the kindness and positive energy that’s being offered.

5. Set boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way of loving yourself and others. You need to set boundaries to protect yourself from physical and emotional harm. Boundaries can help you manage stress and prioritize what’s most important to you. They also strengthen relationships by communicating clear expectations for how people can treat you and how you will treat them.

6. Invest in self-improvement. I see the desire to improve yourself as an indication that you value yourself. We all have things we’d like to improve, but not everyone will invest the time and money in themselves to actually do the work. Self-improvement comes in many forms—going to therapy, reading self-help books, taking a class, changing an unhealthy habit, or attending a support group, to name a few. When you love yourself, you’ll want to improve—not because you’re broken or inadequate, but because you care about yourself.

7. Honor your feelings. As a society, we tend to be uncomfortable with emotions, especially the “unpleasant” ones. We prefer to numb out with alcohol, food, electronics, pornography, and busyness. We pretend we’re “fine” when we’re really very far from fine.

However, feelings don’t just go away when you avoid them. They will show up at another time, in another way. This is why honoring your feelings is a gift you give yourself. It’s a way of validating your experiences.

Feelings are also windows into what you really need. For example, your feelings of anger might be telling you that you’re overworked and tired. When you ignore your feelings, you can’t meet your own basic needs. Start paying attention to your emotions. To start, take a few minutes to sit quietly and give them space to surface. Notice what feelings emerge and try to name them.

8. Comfort yourself like a baby. Think about how you might comfort a crying baby or toddler and do the adult version for yourself!

Here are some ideas:

a warm bath
cozy sweater
going to bed early
savoring a cup of hot tea or cocoa
lavender essential oil
repetitive motion (walking or swinging)
Rereading a favorite book or rewatching a favorite show
Listening to soothing music
Reassuring self-talk, such as, “You can handle this.”

Final Thoughts

Self-compassion doesn’t need to be complicated. Start slowly and, with practice, it will become second nature.

Remember, you deserve loving-kindness, and you can give it to yourself! You don’t have to earn it and you don’t have to do it perfectly.

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Psychology Today

6 Things That Look Like Laziness, But Aren’t

Laziness. It’s a word tossed around quite a bit. Why didn’t your neighbor cut their lawn? They’re lazy. Why is Carol’s car a mess? She’s lazy. Why haven’t you finished your term papers yet? You’re lazy.

Okay. Wait. What even is laziness? Not wanting to do something? If your neighbor didn’t mow their lawn because they’ve been ill, are they lazy? What if Carol hasn’t cleaned her car because she’s working two jobs and using it as a sort of home away from home sometimes? Lazy?

No.

Yet, there are excuses for everything, and, indeed, we all at times do not feel up to doing things (and maybe don’t). For those who chronically struggle, however, the challenge is usually deeper than laziness. Here are some issues that pose as laziness, and what you can do about them.

1. Low mood. Don’t feel like it? Maybe you don’t feel like much of anything. If you find it difficult to enjoy even the good things, it can be difficult to do the chores of life.

What You Can Do: If your low mood has been a one-off thing lasting less than two weeks, it might make sense first to take a step back. What’s bringing you down? Do you need time to grieve something, or is something missing from your life? Sometimes sadness is our mind’s way of letting us know something isn’t right. If it has been more than two weeks and there is no clear reason for your sadness, it may be worthwhile to reach out to a medical professional, such as your doctor. It could also be meaningful to seek counseling.

2. Lost motivation/sense of direction. Maybe there doesn’t seem to be a point to what you are trying to do. You go to work every day at a job that has lost its glimmer. You’ve lost sight of your values and goals. You feel adrift.

What You Can Do: Knowing where you are headed, and what values you have is essential for life to feel meaningful. It’s very normal to lose sight of these things at times. This may be a good time to reach outside yourself. Talking with a friend, mentor, teacher, spiritual leader, or therapist can help you remember what matters to you. Journaling on what matters to you, writing about what legacy you hope to leave, and/or doing things you enjoyed when you were younger are also ways to get back to you.

3. Perfectionism. One of the best ways to put the brakes on finishing something is with perfectionism. This is ironic as many people use self-criticism in hopes of bolstering their performance. Perfectionism creates a fear that is quite demoralizing making it tough to bounce back from imperfections fueling procrastination and giving up.

What You Can Do: Notice your critical voice. Have compassion for the difficulties you are experiencing, and practice introducing a kind voice. Moving toward compassionate self-talk when you’ve been beating yourself up over any perceived mistake takes time. You may always tend to notice the little mistakes. Still, compassionate self-talk can take away their paralyzing nature.

4. Struggles with executive functioning. Maybe you don’t know where to start. Or you find yourself starting so many things at once that it’s hard to keep track. You might find it difficult to focus for long periods, and just when you are about to get to the project you realize that you lost the tools you need.

What You Can Do: Executive functioning difficulties are extremely common, especially for neurodivergent people. If you are having difficulties with planning, focusing, or sticking with a task this is a good time to first be kind to yourself. Virtual and physical tools such as planners, executive functioning apps, or visuals can be helpful. Finding someone to body double, or do a similar task alongside you can also help. Lastly, meeting with a therapist can help keep you on track and discover which organizational strategies work best for you.

5. Loneliness. We are social beings. We need to feel some sense of connection. When this need is not met, it is painful and a strong force against motivation.

What You Can Do: Have you been isolating? Are there old friends and/or family you can reach out to? This is often a good place to start. Re-connecting with old friends can help you to rebuild your social network. If you are having difficulty thinking of anyone to reach out to, consider the people you might know on a casual basis such as neighbors and coworkers. Would you be open to building up some of those relationships? If not, maybe it’s time to seek out some new places to meet people such as a community organization.

6. Low energy. Maybe you’re tired. Even if you are getting enough sleep. Low energy can make doing things feel much harder.

What You Can Do: A first step is to reach out to your doctor. There are several physical causes for low energy such as illness or medication side effects. If those have been addressed, a new space to look at could be your sleep patterns. Do you have a set routine or does your sleep schedule vary wildly? You might also consider when your energy is highest and try to schedule your activities at that time.

All in all, there are many reasons people stop doing things. Laziness is not a helpful descriptor. Determining what is behind your lack of wanting to do things is the first step to working through things.

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Psychology Today

22 Types of Childhood Verbal Abuse and Their Damage

Maltreatment during childhood significantly increases someone’s risk of experiencing depression and anxiety in adulthood.

In 2015, a systematic review and meta-analysis of 199 peer-reviewed papers published from 1990–2014 concluded that “a 10–25 percent reduction in [childhood] maltreatment could potentially prevent 31.4–80.3 million depression and anxiety cases worldwide.”

Currently, four subtypes are used to categorize child maltreatment: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect. Verbal abuse is noticeably absent. Of those four, a June 2023 study of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) among U.S. adults found that emotional abuse significantly increased during the last decade (2011–2020) compared to the other three listed forms of child maltreatment.

Because “emotional abuse” is a broad and not-clearly-defined term, there’s a growing movement to add “verbal abuse” as a stand-alone category of child maltreatment, bringing the total number of subtypes to five.

Childhood Verbal Abuse Should Be a Subtype

A new systematic review and meta-analysis published in the October 2023 issue of Child Abuse & Neglect clarifies the definition of childhood verbal abuse (CVA) and gives many reasons why it should be recognized as a standalone subtype of child maltreatment. These reasons include the increased prevalence of emotional abuse and verbal abuse’s long-term mental health consequences.

Defining childhood verbal abuse based on specific verbally abusive acts is a pivotal step in eliminating it.

The recently published (2023) systematic review and meta-analysis of Childhood Verbal Abuse as a Child Maltreatment Subtype looked at 149 quantitative and 17 qualitative studies. Within these 166 studies, almost two dozen types of childhood verbal abuse were identified or referenced. First author Shanta Dube and coauthors write, “Across studies reviewed, the most common perpetrators of childhood verbal abuse were parents, mothers, and teachers. Definitional themes for CVA included negative speech volume, tone, speech content, and their immediate impact.”

Raising one’s voice at a child or using a harsh tone were among the most common behaviors associated with CVA. Other common types of childhood verbal abuse include belittling, shaming, making negative comparisons, name-calling, and scapegoating.

Here is an alphabetized list of 22 ways that childhood verbal childhood abuse is characterized in the literature on this topic. This list doesn’t completely represent all the nuanced ways CVA can manifest, but it’s a starting point toward a unified definition of childhood verbal abuse.

22 Types of Childhood Verbal Abuse (in alphabetical order)

Any derogatory language
Belittling
Blaming
Criticizing
Demeaning
Disrespecting
Humiliating
Insulting
Intimidating
Making negative comparisons
Making negative predictions
Name-calling
Putting-down
Ridiculing
Scapegoating
Scolding
Shaming
Shouting
Swearing
Teasing
Threatening
Yelling
Verbally abusive acts can include—but are not limited to—one or more of the 22 items listed.

In addition to spoken acts of verbal abuse during adult-child communication, being non-communicative and giving someone the “silent treatment” could also be considered a (non-verbal) form of verbal abuse because it weaponizes language by withholding it. As Dube et al. explain, “Just as children require nurturing, safe, and supportive physical environments from adult caregivers, they also require communication from adults that does not denigrate but promotes healthy self-concept and development.”

Conclusion

Evidence suggests that childhood verbal abuse can damage healthy child development as other forms of child maltreatment, such as physical or sexual abuse. Identifying at least 22 specific ways childhood verbal abuse has been described in over 165 published papers is a valuable step toward tagging verbally abusive acts and officially making CVA a stand-alone category of child maltreatment. As Dube et al. conclude, “Recognizing childhood verbal abuse as a form of maltreatment will be a starting point for its identification and prevention. Primary prevention of CVA using trauma-informed approaches must include adult training on the importance of safety, support, and nurturance during verbal communication with children.”

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Psychology Today

One Key Sign That You’re Being Taken for Granted

You probably don’t enter any relationship, personal or professional, thinking, “Gee, I really hope that someday I get taken for granted.” Nonetheless, you may very well find yourself in a situation where the other person is indeed undervaluing and underappreciating you.

It makes sense to want to identify such situations as quickly as possible. But that can be easier said than done.

Your significant other, friend, boss, teacher, coworker, or whoever may rain you with sweet nothings, claiming that you are indeed appreciated. The world is full of sweet talkers who can make it seem like you matter to them but really don’t.

This can get a bit confusing, especially if you are used to giving well over 50 percent in relationships, being accommodating, wondering whether your expectations are too high for people, or making excuses for other people. So how do you tell, in the words of Marvin Gaye, what’s going on?

Well, one good way is to see what happens when you do raise any significant concerns to that person, especially if any concern relates to that person or your relationship with each other. How seriously does that person take the concern? How quickly do they address it in a find-a-solution way?

The response itself can tell you a lot. For example, when I once told someone, “I don’t feel like you’re really hearing what I have to say,” that person responded, “I hear you” and then abruptly left the conversation without giving me an opportunity to say anything more.

The very definition of taking someone for granted is assuming that the person will always stick around, regardless of whether you put enough effort into maintaining the relationship. Few people would leave their cars unattended for months or ignore all warning lights that may appear on the dashboard. Why then should anyone assume the equivalent for their human relationships and somehow expect such relationships to keep going and going with both sides providing adequate fuel?

If someone is taking you for granted, the big question is whether you are actually allowing that person to do so. Are you expecting enough out of what should be a bilateral relationship? Are you letting your concerns slide rather than raising them to the other as soon as they emerge? Instead, it’s a good idea to do what can be called “raising the Titanic,” that is, raising concerns that over time may contribute to the sinking of the relationship.

Raising concerns can help determine whether the other person is temporarily, unconsciously taking you for granted versus in general keeping you low on their priority list. Even the best of relationships can suffer through periods when one person is distracted or occupied and momentarily takes the other for granted. That can be understandable.

Raising concerns with the other person can be like saying, “Hey, I’m here” and snap the other person back into realizing how important it is to put in effort to maintain the relationship. A legitimate oversight usually prompts them to repair matters by addressing your concerns. Even if they can’t immediately resolve your concerns, they can at least demonstrate real effort.

However, it’s a different story when that person simply ignores or dismisses your concerns. Or tries to explain them away without substantively addressing them. Or maybe even gets annoyed with you for bothering them with your concerns. You really can’t force someone to make you more of a priority. That person has to choose to do so.

What you can do is see where you stand on their priority list and decide whether you are fine with being in that position. If the answer is “no,” then it may be time to move on and seek a more balanced relationship.

Keep in mind that being underappreciated and undervalued in one relationship can be a big drain on your other relationships. After all, one minute spent on a person who is taking you for granted and doesn’t deserve your time is one less minute for someone who does deserve your time. Don’t take for granted what being taken for granted by someone can do to other people in your life.

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Psychology Today

The Best Way to Reveal a New Relationship

Sharing your photos, updates and statuses about your relationship online can be a great way to make a relationship official. Research shows that posting your relationship on social media can enhance a sense of connectedness between you and your partner.

If you’re keen on making your relationship public on social media, you have two options: “soft launching” and “hard launching.” These refer to the act of showing your relationship with your partner off on social media, but they differ in terms of explicitness.

Soft launching entails posting your relationship while keeping the details of it private—usually faceless photos of you and your partner with no tag or mention of them. While this can be a great way to make a budding relationship known without over-displaying it, soft launching can also make your partner feel insecure about the steadiness of your relationship.

On the other hand, hard launching entails full disclosure of who your partner is and the extent of your relationship with them. This would be, for instance, posting selfies together, having them in your profile picture or including their name in your bio or relationship status.

If you’re working towards a hard launch of your relationship on social media, here are two pros and cons to consider before clicking “post.”

Cons: Pressure and Jealousy

The book The Psychology of Social Networking explains how differences in perceptions of privacy and appropriateness—as well as “techno-incompatibility,” which refers to a mismatch in how you and your partner use social media—can become a source of conflict between partners in terms of posting a relationship online.

Techno-incompatibility may arise if, for instance, your partner uses social media much less than you do, or if they favor different platforms. Because of this, they may feel pressured to change their posting habits to please you or match your energy. For a person who uses social media rarely, this change in routine can feel inconvenient or even burdensome.

Additionally, if your partner holds different values regarding what should be kept private within a relationship, a hard launch could potentially make them uncomfortable. For some, public displays of affection, like hard launches, could make them feel exposed, awkward or self-conscious.

If your partner has different feelings regarding privacy in your relationship, it might be best to have a conversation with them before committing to a hard launch. Asking them early on about what they’d prefer to keep private can save you from an argument down the road, and respecting this boundary of theirs can show them your commitment and compassion.

In terms of techno-incompatibility, research shows that jealousy may arise when one partner posts their relationship and the other doesn’t. If you and your partner feel differently about posting frequently about your relationship on social media, this may call for some open communication about what would make you both feel confident and secure.

Compromise would be key in such a situation. If your partner has less avid posting habits, assure them that they do not need to change their routine to the extent that it adds stress to their day. However, if you are worried about your incongruent posting habits as a couple, be sure to let your partner know what would make you feel more secure.

Pros: Relationship Happiness and Satisfaction

The upsides to a hard launch are numerous. Research shows that couples are more likely to experience happiness than jealousy or insecurity when making a relationship public on social media. The study found that posting a relationship on social media was related to increases in overall relationship satisfaction and happiness.

As minor as uploading a selfie or a small appreciation post may seem, this kind of hard launching can act as a signal of commitment to your relationship, and it can show your partner that you’re not afraid to show the world your affection for them.

However, the study does provide an important caveat: By oversharing on social media, you may intensify relationship insecurities. Public displays of potentially jealousy-inducing events can be particularly detrimental for those with low self-esteem and a high need for popularity, leading to heightened feelings of jealousy or inadequacy. When it comes to hard launching, be sensitive to how your partner may take it, and proceed only if they seem like the type to appreciate such gestures.

A study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science also found that couples who shared profile pictures felt more secure and closer to each other. The authors suggested that sharing the same profile picture (like a selfie together) acts as an important marker of interconnectedness in a relationship.

Though seemingly straightforward, a simple selfie that both you and your partner use as a profile picture can show the public—and your partner—that you’re unashamed about your relationship with one another.

On top of this, research also shows that going official on social media is considered a landmark in a relationship, with one respondent of the study referring to it as a “kind of ring” that you and your partner can wear. The simple act of naming your partner in your Facebook relationship status or including their handle in your Instagram bio can act as a declaration of commitment to them.

Conclusion

As much as it may seem like a casual act, sharing your relationship on social media is a modern-day declaration of love, both online and offline. A hard launch is like putting a tangible “commitment ring” on your relationship, making it real in the digital and physical worlds. While it might bring some initial challenges, these are easily overcome by open communication, respecting boundaries and a calibration of relationship expectations. If it’s right for you and your partner, hard launches often lead to more happiness and satisfaction, making it clear to both your partner and the world how committed you are.

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Psychology Today

3 Things People Say That Irritate Psychologists

I often dread telling people I’m a psychologist, particularly outside of the office. Although I’m proud of my profession, I know that people often hold stereotypes and misgivings about what I do. These can be based on negative personal experiences with the field.

It’s certainly the case that not all therapists are good ones, sometimes committing errors, engaging in unethical practices, or lacking important skills. There’s no excuse for poorly done therapy, and my heart goes out to people who have had this experience. Other times, however, people’s stereotypes of psychologists are based on what they see in the media, which frequently depicts mental health professionals as weird or blundering at best, and unethical or even malevolent at worst.

As a result of these influences, people often say things to psychologists that I’ve heard many of my colleagues characterize as “annoying.” Personally, however, I’m glad they say them. It gives us a chance to address their questions and concerns. In that spirit, here are three things that people say that sometimes annoy psychologists and some facts about the field to go along with each one.

1. “Are you analyzing me?”

When I meet someone outside of a professional context, and they find out I’m a psychologist, they almost always react in one of two ways. Many people immediately tell me about their problems. I quickly learn about their estranged daughter or their cousin who always seemed depressed. I’m flattered by the trust they invest in me, of course, but I often feel obligated to let them know I can’t ethically give them a professional opinion while “off duty.”

In contrast, other people immediately clam up. Often their reluctance to speak is accompanied by the somewhat sheepish question, “Are you analyzing me right now?” A few years ago, I was asked exactly this question by an insurance salesman I struck up a conversation with while hiking in Big Trees State Park in Calaveras County, California. I used my go-to response: “No—are you trying to sell me insurance right now?”

Much to my surprise, his answer was, “I’m always trying to sell insurance!” We both laughed, and I hope the interaction helped him feel a bit more comfortable. But my response wasn’t meant merely as a joke.

The fact is that doing psychotherapy takes work! It’s exhausting to listen deeply and non-judgmentally to another person’s problems or attempt to conceptualize in a systematic and helpful way what’s behind their difficulties. It takes concentration and energy to mobilize the expertise that practitioners have often spent years developing. That’s why there’s so much writing about burnout among psychotherapists and the importance of self-care.

That’s not to say that being a therapist isn’t rewarding and meaningful. Of course, it is. Nonetheless, it’s something that most people don’t do casually.

2. Assuming all psychologists are therapists.

If someone asked you to explain what psychologists do, what would you say? If your first instinct would be to use words like “therapy” or “counseling,” you’re not alone. To understand the general public’s view of psychology, the American Psychological Association occasionally does national surveys. In one such poll, the words people used to describe the field were most often associated with illness and treatment.

That’s certainly compatible with my personal experience. Virtually every time a new acquaintance finds out I’m a psychologist, they ask about my practice. Although I’ve seen patients at various times in my career, there have also been long stretches of time when I haven’t, focusing instead on research and teaching. This sometimes strikes people as odd. And, who could blame them? Virtually every depiction of psychologists in movies, television, and literature involves psychotherapy.

But psychology is much more than the practice of therapy. It’s also an expansive research discipline. In fact, psychology is often defined as the study of the mind, brain, and behavior. There’s no question that, as part of this endeavor, psychologists study mental health conditions and treatment. But they also study lifespan development, relationships, leadership styles, learning, memory, perception, and neuroscience, among many other topics. In addition, input from psychologists helps design efficient work environments, ad campaigns, user interfaces on our phones, and airplane cockpits. In other words, people often miss the breadth of what psychologists do.

3. “Psychology isn’t a real science.”
Several years ago, I was seated on an airplane next to a middle-aged man wearing a gray suit, white shirt, and red tie. To pass the time, he asked what I did for a living. When I told him I was a psychologist, I was bowled over by his reply: “Oh. You’re a rent-a-friend!”

During the remainder of our short flight, I tried—with no luck—to convince him that psychologists were much more than friends for hire. First, I mentioned that we do many things besides therapy. But perhaps more importantly, I explained that even when we do therapy, it’s not simply about being friendly. We use techniques that are based on scientific research. That’s when he abruptly interrupted, “There’s no way psychology is a real science!”

But much of what psychologists do is based on science. Perhaps the clearest definition of science is any endeavor that uses the scientific method. Like all scientists, psychology researchers form hypotheses, devise experiments, and carefully analyze the results. Psychology journals are filled with such research.

Psychotherapy, for instance, is often studied in much the same way as medication, using experiments known as randomized controlled trials. Investigators recruit large numbers of people suffering from a particular condition—say, depression—and randomly assign some of them to participate in a particular talk therapy, while others receive one of several control conditions, sometimes including no treatment, a different therapy, or even medication. We can only conclude that treatment works if its outcomes are superior to those other conditions.

Although I’ll admit that the man’s comments annoyed me, I can hardly blame him for having the impression that psychology isn’t real science. As a science, psychology is far from perfect: Studies are sometimes poorly performed, and a number of famous findings have recently failed to replicate. Moreover, although most psychologists respect the field’s scientific core, some still prefer to present themselves as “sages” rather than practitioners of a science-based discipline, and there continues to be a debate about the value of evidence-based interventions. Nonetheless, even an imperfect science is still a science, and I certainly hope that science will continue to be an important foundation of what psychologists do long into the future.

Like professionals of most disciplines, psychologists do many different things, have different perspectives, and take different career paths. But all of us should strive to be clear about what we do. Although some psychologists may find the questions and statements just mentioned to be annoying, they’re nonetheless valuable. They encourage us to explain our profession as it actually is, rather than feeding stereotypes and media depictions. So, the next time someone tells you they’re a psychologist, feel free to ask questions. It’s an honor to answer.